Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
