I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
