Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
