he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The air taste purple.
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