my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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