dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
we should paint friendship bongs
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