Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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