I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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