I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
