I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
