omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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