You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
