So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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