I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
