I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just threw up on my dentist
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize