So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
