I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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