Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize