So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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