i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
