i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
