there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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