i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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