i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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