He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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