Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize