What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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