Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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