I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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