You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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