My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
