The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
