there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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