ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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