i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
