Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
it glows. i had to have it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
