I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
