You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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