Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
