I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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