My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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