i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
