new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You ruined the universe
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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