my vag is so smooth its legendary
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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