he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
