Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize