How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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