there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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