Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
