I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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