I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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