I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
