True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
