i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
