While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
