Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize