i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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