Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
